Topher Florence

1. Billy Dee Williams: Batman (1989)…Harvey Dent

So you’ve lived in Gotham for a few years. It was always dark, depressing, and kind of tacky looking, but it had a certain charm. In a few short years though, it’s become the fucking circus. It’s like a Las Vegas casino based on Gotham. And things keep…changing…in the weirdest ways.

Some things stay the same: Commisioner Gordon is always on the news in that goofy hat reassuring you that the police will catch the freak of the week. Bruce Wayne is still a playboy jerkoff…but wasn’t he shorter before?

You look at a newspaper article talking about Two-Face. The freaking D.A. is a criminal now. There’s something different about him too. He used to seem cooler, more confident back in the eighties. Your girlfriend even had a little bit of a thing for him. Didn’t you read somewhere that he was half black…or something? Some sick part of you thinks he would’ve been more fun as Two-Face back then, as if the crime-wave is there for your own entertainment. You look in the mirror and wonder whatver happened to your own face…

2. Eartha Kitt: Batman (1966)…Catwoman

When I was a kid I tended to gravitate toward shows fromt he sixties. I had that “retro girl” fetish that every American guy seems to have at some point in their life. Miniskirts and gogo boots were great fuel for my developing libido. That’s probably why I started watching Batman.

I misunderstood the show. I didn’t realize that it’s humor was so self-aware. I never understood why Robin, clearly a grown man, was confused about why Batman liked girls. I also thought that Eartha Kitt was Catwoman’s secret identity, a jokey Batman name like E. Nigma or Victor Fries.

She was beautiful. Much hotter than the other Catwoman. Much hotter than Uhura even.

One day, I saw Eartha Kitt on I Spy playing a doped up Hong Kong lounge singer named Angel. She had this weird mythic, elegant beauty to her. Being a kid in the eighties, I’d always wanted to be on the Cosby Show. Now, I wanted to possess Bill Cosby’s body Quantum Leap-style and make out with Eartha Kitt until the camera slowly panned over to the fireplace and we did things inappropriate for broadcast. Then I grew up and Halle Berry retroactively destroyed my childhood Catwoman fantasies.

C’est la vie.

3. Will Smith: Men in Black (1997)…James Edwards/Agent J (Jay)

This movie is as cool as Will Smith will ever be.

Much like “The Mask”, Men in Black is one of those movies with a great sense of humor and style that came out of a comic book that no one has ever read. The whole cast was great, but I am convinced that Will Smith is some sort of acting robot entirely powered by charisma. He also makes me want to start a bad stand up routine about how white rappers win Oscars (Eminem, Marky Mark) while black rappers something something (Smith, Queen Latifah).

There are two very important things to remember here. The original Agent J is actually rather aryan and Chris O’ Donnell was originally slated to play him. I guess test audiences were confused about his delivery of “It just be rainin’ black people in New York”.

Part two was worthless except for Rosario, though. She’s hot grits.

4. Michael Clarke Duncan: Daredevil (2003)…The Kingpin/Wilson Fisk

Even though I’m black, I still get this guy confused with Ving Rhames. He was a pretty cool Kingpin, though. Corporate politics means he probably wont be on a Spider-Man movie, but he still played Kingpin on the MTV Spider-Man cartoon and that’s pretty awesome. Plus, any cat who can be in Friday, Sin City, and The Land Before Time XI wins automatic cool points in my book.

5. Kerry Washington: Fantastic Four (2005)…Alicia Masters

I still haven’t worked up enough anti-apathy to watch this movie, but Kerry Washington is a cutie and the role really only consists of pretending to be blind and touching the Thing’s face a lot so I doubt they screwed it up that badly.

6. Sam Jones III: Smallville (2001)…Pete Ross

I hate Smallville. I would be indifferent if the show was just plain bad, but it comes so close to greatness all the time and falls flat on it’s face. Pete Ross is one of the victims of this shows terrible/wonderful writing staff.

On the show, sexy, thirty year-old underwear model Clark Kent is an unpopular high school student who feels like a loner because of his weird powers which plenty of other kids also have. He has exactly 1.5 male friends: Pete Ross and maybe Lex Luthor on a good day.

The writers had no idea what to do with Pete so they constantly shoved him into the background, changed his character on an episode to episode basis, and eventually just got rid of him. Sam Jones III is a solid enough actor, who was stuck on a middling show.

In the comics Pete Ross eventually becomes President and marries Lana Lang. It would be nice if they did that in the Smallville universe too, because they’d have the cutest little Black-Chinese-Dutch babies…

But yeah, I watch better TV now.

7. Sherman Hemsley: Lois and Clark (1993)…Toyman/Wilson Schott

Like most live-action supehero franchises, Lois and Clark started out okay, but went downhill fast. They killed off Lex Luthor. Superman ended fighting against deadly foes like Drew Carey and Howie Mandel. Lois Lane gave birth to a super-baby. This depressing time is when Sherman Hemsley stepped in as Toyman.

Sherman Hemsley is a professional guest star. Anyone who grew up in the late eighties and early nineties can remember at least one time when he magically appeared on your TV screen with a cacophony of cheers. I think his appearance on Alex Mack was when I lost my last shred of faith in humanity. I love the Jeffersons and I don’t even mind him in a regular role but he was/is everywhere for no discernable reason.

Toyman is classic Hemsley. A very articulate and insane guy ranting and raving for your viewing pleasure(?). At least he wasn’t wearing that creepy doll head from the comics. I think my brain would’ve exploded.